Husband/wife Relationship

by Toms, A. F. | Category: Family Life | Jul 1992

Some time ago I was visiting an elderly friend whose wife was bedridden and required constant nursing care. He was living in a home for the elderly beside the nursing home. Every afternoon he used to go along to his wife's bedside, feed her with a dish of ice-cream which she loved, and then sit by her side for a couple of hours. When I met him he had been doing that for six years and only once in all those years had she even spoken his name. I went along with him one afternoon, and sitting in his room afterwards he told me his story. As a young man he had been wild and profligate and his young wife had a lot to put up with when they were first married. But she prayed for him unceasingly, and eventually, as a result of an accident, his heart was softened and God spoke to him. It was his wife who led him to Christ. "I owe her so much" he said, with tears in his eyes. I understood his devotion, but still found it remarkable that the old man should sit by his wife's bedside day after day when he never received even a smile of recognition.

Is it not a lovely example of the apostle Paul's instruction in his epistle to the Ephesians, "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the Church, and gave Himself up for it" (5:25)? In the parallel passage in Colossians, the word is "Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them" (3:19).

To get the full meaning of that instruction we need to remind ourselves of the different words for "love" in the New Testament Greek. There is the word phileo which describes the affection a mother feels for her child or a bridegroom for his bride. This is a God-given love, an affection which is drawn out by the person loved. But there is another word agape which describes an emotion of the heart even when there is nothing to draw out that love. This is essentially divine love, which loves despite the person loved. It has been shed abroad in our hearts through the Holy Spirit. It is a sacrificial love, such as is displayed to us in 1st Corinthians 13, which suffers long and is kind. And when God says "Husbands, love your wives" it is the agape word He uses. We are to love them more than we love ourselves; to love them as Christ loved the Church. The standard is very high, but it can be reached with the Holy Spirit's help. If husbands loved their wives with this sort of love what a difference it would make in many a family life.

In the apostle Paul's instruction about family relationships, both in Ephesians and Colossians, he addressed the wives first. Maybe we have wondered why. Perhaps it is because a woman's tender influence in the home is so important for harmony.

Wives, be in subjection unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the Head of the Church, being Himself the Saviour of the Body. But as the Church is subject to Christ, so let the wives also be to their husbands in everything (Eph. 5:22-24).

Some find this teaching hard to accept, especially as the feminist movement gathers momentum. But if we look at it carefully and understand the Lord's reasons, we shall find that as in everything else in God's instructions it is for our highest good. Clearly subjection carries no thought of inferiority, for the scripture says that Christ is subject to God, although He is equal in every respect with the Father and with the Holy Spirit. He Himself is God, but in the Godhead the Son is subject to the Father. "I would have you know, that the Head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the Head of Christ is God" (1 Cor. 11:3). It is a question therefore of headship, which the woman is asked to acknowledge.

Another scripture says "Adam was first formed, then Eve" (1 Tim. 2:13). So according to creation, man is first, and in God's arrangement of things he is the one to give the lead, and subjection means that a wife acknowledges the headship of her husband and is prepared to submit to his lead. You cannot have two leaders in a home; it would cause confusion and division. So in the home circle God has given this responsibility to the husband and father. Of course he is not to lead without regard to his wife; he would be very foolish if he did. In all the big decisions of home life husband and wife must confer together. In this important area it may be the wife has more ideas than her husband - so be it - but let her not carry them out without consulting him first.

There is a lovely illustration of this point in the Scriptures, in the story of the great woman of Shunem. She was possibly great in wealth, but she was great in wisdom too. She lived in the days of Elisha the prophet, and he often passed her home. She had the idea of setting aside a little room in their home for his use, but she did not act without consulting her husband. That is subjection. God blessed that home as the story in 2 Kings chapter 4 shows.

In Colossians Paul puts it this way: "Wives, be in subjection to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord" (3:18). In other words, a Christian wife is to remember that as she honours her husband and submits to his lead, she is making it clear that the Lord Jesus is her Lord and Master and she is bowing to His Word. And others will take note of such behaviour and perhaps none more so than the children. Every godly mother wants her children to respect their father and they will learn this from their mother's attitude quicker than in any other way.

The final chapter of the book of Proverbs is devoted to a very fine description of a wife and mother who, accepting her God-given place, serves the Lord and her family in a meek and quiet spirit'. Peter says, in the sight of God that is of great price (1 Pet. 3:4).

A virtuous woman who can find? For her price is far above rubies. The heart of her husband trusteth in her, and he shall have no lack of gain. She doeth him good and not evil all the days of her life ... She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and the law of kindness is on her tongue. She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness. Her children rise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her, saying: Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the LORD, she shall be praised (Prov. 31:10-12, 26-30).

Toms, A. F. | Jul 1992
Family Life